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Tuesday, January 28th, 2014

Subject:How is this real?
Time:5:50 pm.
As we said goodbye last time I saw her, we hugged, her cheek to mine. She said 'I love you' as any friend of 17 years would. And yet, I have spun several hundred stories from it: a broken heart, two, a strained friendship, lost marriages, found love, heroic morality, bittersweet goodbyes. I want her and I want nothing to do with that yearning. We each have a family. And we have our friendship. All would be changed at the very least. Probably ruined. I have wasted hours spinning the tales to myself.
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Tuesday, December 31st, 2013

Time:6:25 pm.
It's been three years. I had an acquaintance tell me her boyfriend described missing his father as a huge hole in his life. I feel like I'm waiting for something. Waiting for her to call. Waiting to see her again. Waiting for her return. And then there's this feeling in the pit of my stomach when I realize that she isn't ever coming back. To know that the waiting is futile is sickening, heartbreaking. What else is there? How can one person be my whole world? How can this be it? I imagine if I had had kids it would be different. I didn't. It's not.
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Thursday, December 2nd, 2010

Subject:Pretty in pink
Time:8:48 pm.
I love her. I watched the beginning of Pretty inPink tonight and thought of her.
I wanted her. Again.
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Friday, October 30th, 2009

Time:9:55 pm.
How butch can you be if you have to tell people you're butch?
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Sunday, September 21st, 2008

Subject:Ima go to ACL
Time:10:10 am.
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Sunday, September 14th, 2008

Subject:no rain
Time:6:54 am.
Mood: hopeful.
Ike missed us. Not a drop of rain. A little wind, but no rain. That is not until the front that kept Ike east of here. Now it is soupy-humid.

Later today the winds should shift and the dry will come. The cool will come tomorrow. My breath catches in my throat when I think that the cool is coming. It has been a hot, dry summer, and I am ready for the cool.

Last week I made apple muffins. They weren't very good. Now I have 2 dozen stale apple muffins. What to do...

A and I are working today. On a Sunday. That sucks, but at least I will have a bigger check next week.
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Monday, September 8th, 2008

Subject:Another f^#$%& Monday
Time:9:00 am.
Actually, I like Mondays. I usually work from home, which means I get to sit here in comfortable clothes, drink coffee, surf a bit, love my cat a bit, and take breaks from the work part of the day by sitting on the porch and watching the birds.

So, new day, new week. Good time to clean off the desk. oh joy.
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Sunday, February 10th, 2008

Subject:Good job
Time:8:37 pm.
Mood: tired.
Dear me,

Good job finishing the project.

How are you going to explain the other project that remains unfinished?

Get some sleep and get a fresh tomorrow...


p.s. good job on the kitchen!
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Monday, January 15th, 2007

Time:8:35 am.
No, no we are not satisfied and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

~ Martin Luther King Jr.
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Sunday, July 17th, 2005

Time:1:41 pm.
Mood: anxious.
I don't feel like a badass, but my mood is improving.

Walk this morning, normal route.
Black-bellied whisling-duck (2)
Painted bunting (2) (heard plenty more)
Scissor-tail flycatcher
Carolina chickadee (4+)
Blue-grey gnatcatcher
Cardinals (8+)
White-eyed Vieo (heard only)
American Crow (3)
Cattle egret (20+)
Barn swallow (too many to count)

Time to go park my ass in front of the TV to watch Le Tour.
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Friday, July 15th, 2005

Subject:some days...
Time:10:00 am.
Mood: crappy.
Some days I feel like a badass...today is not one of them.
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Saturday, July 2nd, 2005

Time:10:26 pm.
Mood: anxious.
We're going to Louisiana tomorrow.
Dan is coming over to feed the cat. He will see my office and the piles of shit. I have spent a fair bit of time trying to make the piles less obvious. I don't think it is working too well. When will I stop procrastinating and doing only the bare minimum? Tomorrow?



In other news, J is in Bend visiting all his old friends. After a year of being sober will he be able to survive the weekend? Please, don't let them be assholes. Even if they don't push him, is he going to be able to get through it?

It is late and I am starting to obsess on the bad things. Obviously, time to get to bed. Time to escape the dark, panicky places.

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Sunday, February 27th, 2005

Subject:Sunday evening blues
Time:5:11 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
Why is Sunday evening the worst time of the week?
I know why, I suppose. It is the end of a beautiful, relaxing weekend. Ahead looms the very busy work week. But I want to be excited by the thought of the future. I want to believe that this week will be better than the last. I want to think that the best is coming and that I will rise to every occassion with which I am faced. But the future is daunting and I am scared of thet which I can not see. Sunday evening is the deep breath you take before jumping into the deep end of the pool. It is the split second that the roller coaster seems to stop immediatly before you start rushing down the steep slope. Sunday evening is the point at which you can no longer turn back. It is the realization that we are mortal. It is the pulling of the rip cord. It is the loss of viginity.

It should be a great time, but seldom is.
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Friday, February 11th, 2005

Subject:procrastination and tax season
Time:9:38 am.
Mood: contemplative.
For years I thought I was lazy. Now, after suggestions by Prince A, I am wondering if it isn't something else, perhaps ADD with a side of OCD. I really am beginning to think I have a bit of OCD. It would explain why I get overwhelmed and can't begin tasks. It would explain the never-ending lists which are always incomplete and thus seem useless but still necessary. It would explain a lot of things. The fascination with numbers and trying to make them fit/mean something. The failed attempts at organization. Which could also be explained by a faulty attention span. Could the OCD be the cause of the ADD. Do they feed off one another. Certainly, if they exist at all.

Off to the mines. A slave to the tax season.
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Monday, April 19th, 2004

Subject:What Books Have I Read?
Time:1:41 pm.
Mood: apathetic.
Stole this from... I can't remember who.

Read more...Collapse )
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Thursday, April 1st, 2004

Subject:on the right track
Time:7:10 pm.
Mood: accomplished.
Finally. I am feeling better about myself. I've been working hard and walking and eating fairly well for a few days and I feel great. The walking has been great. Yesterday I had a horrible moment of self loathing that felt like the beginning of a panic attack. Generally my panic attacks make me feel as if someone is standing behind me yelling, "RUN! Oh my god they're coming to get you! RUN!" So, walking helps. It helps to get the adrenaline through and out of my system. And it really did yesterday.

I need to get a hair cut. Now. I have an aversion to paying someone to cut my hair. If my mother is around I will have her cut it, but I see her twice a year if I'm lucky. My girlfriend cut my hair last year and made me cry because she cut it so short. I ended up loving it, but it was a shock at first. She says she will cut it if I want, but every time I ask her she has some excuse. It's getting old. She won't do me a favor even though she keeps saying she will. I'm kind of peeved about it to tell you the truth.

Work is going well I suppose. I have a ton of stuff that needs to be done before my 9:00 appointment. I'm not going to do it this evening which leaves the morning. Early day, I guess. I'm such a procrastinator. But I've done so much in the past two days that I will cut myself some slack.

I'm off to snuggle with the girl.
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Monday, March 29th, 2004

Time:6:55 am.
Mood: okay.
I didn't do shit last week. Yes, I kept my appointments, but I didn't do much else. watched tv. read a bit. did not clean the house. did not do huge amounts of work outside of my appointments. I'm going to hell.
And no, I didn't walk. I will today. really I will.

I've got to fix my taillight today so that I can get my car reinspected so that I don't get any tickets. no tickets.
and lots of work.

More coffee please.
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Friday, March 26th, 2004

Time:6:53 am.
Mood: awake.
I almost wish I had a dog to walk with. almost.
I don't think I could drag my cat out past our property line. She isn't good with the unfamiliar, and everything but our yard seems new to her.

My schedule for today has changed 453,765,982,001 times since yesterday ay 5:00. I think it is set now and I will be at home working as my appointment was rescheduled for tomorrow.
So, I will do my stretches today. And there is cleaning to be done, and tax returns to be completed, schedules to be worked on, kitties to be loved on, files to be filed, five year plans to be composed, life to be lived. There is much to do today. Many thoughts to be thought.
I'm off to think them.
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Thursday, March 25th, 2004

Time:10:14 am.
Mood: apathetic.
So, this is entry number 3? 4? and I've had this thing for well over a year. I'm dumb as shit sometimes.

I'm trying to get a walking regimen started. So far not so good. Thrice in the last 9 days. But I got new shoes last week and the first walk with them was good. I've had problems with my back because I spend a huge part of my day sitting on my arse and I haven't been doing any physical activity. So here we go. I found a book on our shelves that has a ton of stretches and non aerobic type workout stuff. I like it because it is a very flexible format. It isn't preachy and there are some things in there that I'm already familiar with.

I'm telling you this because I can't tell my lady. She just laughs and says something like,"I'll believe it when I see it." I really need some support, but I can't seem to get any from her. At the beginning of the year we were doing pretty good walking together, but then I had the whole tripping over the cat incident and we stopped walking because I couldn't even get up out of bed on my own. Sucked, it did.

We both need to walk, but she works outside all day and doesn't want to walk when she gets home and there isn't time in the morning. So, I'm trying to go it alone. I can't talk to her about it, but I need to get it out so that I an have a record of it. I need to have a reminder of it. Hello, walk, you idiot. Get off your ass. Do it. Now. Right.

I'm doing the stretches and I'm trying to keep track of it in my day palnner so that I can see what I've done. Lists. I'm all about lists and documentation. Unfortunately I am not all about follow through. Hence, the,"I'll believe it when I see it." Yep, not good with actually doing the things I say I will. As a matter of fact, I'm supposed to be working right now. I said I would - am not - but should.

That is another reason I want ot get off my ass, because I have a tendency to do more when I'm healthy. And I also tend to get more done when there is more to do. But I have to get over the hump.

Craptastic, life is. now.
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Monday, November 17th, 2003

Time:8:37 am.
Mood: annoyed.
It is the middle of November and I'm still wearing shorts. The weather isn't even pretending that it's supposed to be cool.
But, I'm not sure why I'm complaining. I really don't like the cold.
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LiveJournal for birdy.

View:User Info.
You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.